The One Where I Subway Surf

Or rather, 

The One Where I Force Life Lessons From Playing Subway Surf.

I never buy into crazes. Mainly because I don’t have much money [Baduuumtsssh!!!]. But also, because I like to be unique.

Nope. No that’s not true. I’m your typical blender-in.

Think it’s because I like to silently watch and mock people obsessing with IG (#SELFIE)

and technology

 and #Hashtags (hashtag: I Love Hashtags).

So when Angry Birds, then Temple Run, Candy Crush and now Flappy Bird were (still are?) the craze, I played Snake, Solitaire, Animal Kingdom (on paper. know what that is?

) and now Subway Surf. I know. Ancient times.

So as I play the game, I tend to zone off and contemplate on life as, you know, I run away from cops and dogs and into suspended coins and parked trains. So here’s what I learnt.

1)           Jetpack backpacks exist and are really cool. But they run out of fuel and you crash land. In that sense, living up in the clouds is alright but eventually your fuel and drive run out, and you’ll crash land. So stay down to earthß I’m so proud of myself for thinking this up all by my lonesome.

2)         Giant magnets are really cool and will make you very rich ß no deep meaning here. Scientists: Get Us Those Magnets!!!

3)         Money really does make the world go round. Even in game world.

4)         Cops CAN be uncorrupt

5)         In life, the further you go, the faster you gotta run. That’s a very deep statement.

6)         We are, and always will be, who we are. And will always be identified as that. Really. That kid running, maybe he wants to give up vandalism graffiti and become an artist, or lawyer, or just stop running and take a swim in the Miami waters, or visit the Big Ben in London. But nooo. Everyone knows him as a runner. And so, he’s gotta run. And that’s who he is.

Yet..

7)         He still smiles. They always smile. Even when they’re held upside down by a disappointed cop. Or when an angry dog barks below them. Or when they’re hit by a train. Or when they come across an obstacle (helps though that they get to start again whereas if a train hit one of us in real world..well..you know..umm…well you know we’d die and not be able to start again. Um..is this uncomfortable?

)

So you with the nappy hair or the skin issue, or the weight problem or family drama, or the haters all around you. That’s who you are! Fine, try to get outta whatever you’re not happy with but also, smile through it.

The One Where Home Is Where The Heart Is

Midterm is here!!!

Okay it's Sunday so midterm is pretty much over but..

Rather I’ve been on midterm for the past few coupla’ days. So sadly I don’t have any story directly related to kiddies and my job. But still. You’re here. So read on!

So for the past couple of days I’ve been at my brothers’ house<<<is that plural? Because I’m talking about 2 brothers not one ‘brother is’. Okay, grammar nazi lesson is not working so..yes..I’ve been at my brotherses house and I couldn’t help but compare the lifestyle of living in the city (relatively) vis a vis the ‘burbs (relatively).

(P.S. just googled ‘plural of brothers’ and it told me brethren. I can’t! I’m not Shakespeare’s ancestor, and I didn’t contribute to King James bible. So let’s just stick to brotherses and you’ll understand what I’m saying).

I’ve always wanted to live in an apartment, where you share parking, can’t hold parties or have too many people over (either because of space or because of mean neighbours who don’t respond to your invite for dinner but instead want to watch crime channel and feel sorry for themselves).

Where everything is so tucked in and cozy and cleaning the house is not a full day event. Where dogs are not allowed and showering is a scheduled event.

Wait. You may see a dog or two.

Where a desk can be used as a wardrobe, storage device, book shelf and dinner table. I love it!l

So I’m doing a small poll on which is better: Living in the ‘burbs vs. Living in the city. So here goes...

1. The city has no ghosts but the ‘burbs does. 
   
   City 1-‘burbs 0

2. The ‘burbs is quiet. Past few days I’ve been woken up by matatu (Public Transport Vehicle) sounds from like 4am. Where I live, it’s the birds chirping and the leaves whistling. Maybe even a deer. Or the Sound Of Music.

City 1-‘burbs 1

3. The ‘burbs have rats. I think rats can’t hack city life. So the city has other critters, like ‘roaches and ants-which are manageable-but thankfully no rats. Which are basically angry tenants that don’t pay rent but have high demands. (like they eat all the food, run around at night, try to watch t.v with you-but they don’t like your shows-so basically they just run around and scare the rats poo outta you).

City 2-‘burbs 1

4. The ‘burbs have space. Really, you all know that the space is different. No offence. Called apartments but half of the time we’re..like..really close together :O :-D.

City 2-‘burbs 2

5. The stairs >_<. Apartment 7 is not a lucky apartment at all. It’s 7 flights of stairs up.

So.I don’t know. But also, it’s good because it means my quads and glutes and hamstrings and calves and other parts are getting fit atleast twice a day (5 times if you forget your key/purse/handbag/anything important like I often do). The ‘burbs don’t really have that luxury of coerced fitness. You have to decide to wake up at 4am and jog round your neighbourhood amidst other depressed obese folk.

 So it’s a win-win for both!

City 5-‘burbs 5

But disclaimer-I loved staying with my brethren for the past coupla days. It was like old times. Except we were cooped up in an apartment not playing basketball or rollerblading in the driveway (how Barbie do we sound there).

But I loved it.

And I’m greatful for their hospitality.

Even though the ‘burbs cleans itself up, and miraculously has food. Clothes in the ‘burb are washed for you, and it miraculously has food. I loved everything about hanging out with the brethren.

I don’t know where I’d wanna live eventually-Penthouse in New York City (by that I mean Ngong Road) or Ranch in Texas (by that I mean Nanyuki) but the experience was cool. I like the city because power never goes out. I like the ‘burbs because dogs are allowed. Wait, dogs are allowed in the city. But not the same kinda dogs as the ‘burbs. Oh well. I like the ‘burbs because there is parking space. Loads. I like the city because you can eat anything you want-for cheap: Fish, Pilau, Nyamchom (roasted meat). Everything is near and around you. 

In the ‘burbs I travel a thousand miles to get to the nearest petrol station (‘sorta). It is hardship!

But anywho..

I’m curious to hear your opinions too. Whatchu’ think? And where you live-‘burbs or city? Don’t worry I won’t stalk you. 

Everyday.

The One With Quail Man Vs. Flappy Bird(Promo Post)

This is another promo post.

Was having a convo with my brother about Superheroes.

Because we’re both Superhero fans. 

He was a comic book geek (and you know how comic book geeks are the richest nowadays, and not the ones who were made fun of in the past ),

and used to always explain to me the History of Thor or why Wolverine is so angry and other stuff.

Also we were talking about the man who ate 30 quail eggs to increase his..ermm..stamina..in the..*awkward*..Boudoir area. And so he said, “I was thinking, what if a man ate 30 quail eggs but didn’t die, but instead turned in to quail man. Then his arch nemesis was..flappy bird”.

I died.

And laughed all the laughter I had in me.

Then I envisioned it..thus this post.

\

Happy After Valentine’s Day!

Real Post Coming Up Soon!!!

The One With The Perks Of The Job

Why do I do what I do?

Well, I didn’t get shortlisted for NASA as I’d hoped and dreamed. And I was too grossed out by cats to be a lion trainer.

Also because of this.

Disclaimer: This is mainly as a Kindergarten teacher. If some of these, like number 2, apply to you as a teacher of A-level, perhaps take yourself to jail.

1)      Free hugs

This mushes me to bits!!! I’m like Oatmeal here...or Weetabix…or Uji…or a healthy beetroot and potato smoothie...basically-mushed!

(If you don't get the above it means YOU'VE NOT READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS!!!!!!!! Ultimatum: read it here or read it here. AND THAT'S FINAL! Thanks)

2)      Free kisses

Those can be awkward especially in this day and age of weird paedo-type people(and when the tots conveniently miss my cheek O.o) but I love it :-* (..p.s. teachers get some errday :-D :P)

3)      The sweet sentiments in broken language-“I missi you, you have missi me?”..”your hair is pretty”.."Who give you earrings?" “I love you a lot”..

4)      The teeny shoes

Foot painting with these guys is one of the activities that ensures my self esteem has to be intact.

(Obvious Confession: I've always had gargantuan sized feet and always felt the need to explain that. Especially to shop keepers. Who don't believe me when I tell 'em my shoe size and insist on bringing me a size 5 glass slipper-"Homie I'll break that thing worse than Cinderella and her sisters"<<--that's my attempt at back-talk) (I now realize it really is just an insult to myself) (runs off to Brazil)

Or I could really use my foot to illustrate that big-foot (see what I did there?) is actually real :'D.

5)      The milestones reached. No more crying, a full sentence spoken (sorta), potty training complete (sorta), colouring inside the line, counting 1-10... So all that repetition is EPIC! And working. It's very fulfilling.

I don't even know how to begin translating this...

6)      Hearing yourself in them (the good stuff, not the slipped curse wor..I mean slipped footing). Giving each other time out, hugging classmates when they are crying, attempting to change diapers (while theirs are full).

That's a 2 and a half year old to a 2 and a half year old. Like the blind leading the blind!

7)      The laughs-these guys are born comedians. From the things they say, to the random stuff they do.

I purposely did not put an illustration for this so that you follow me on twitter for day to day updates. Enyewe I've tried to market myself here. Still, to be Kenyan is to be UNASHAMED (or as we say, shameless). @gathy_gath :)))

(

8)      Their humanity: even kids have good days, and bad days. It’s interesting to see how they’re moody one day, angry the next. Telling on others the next, and ravenous the next. They’re like little versions of us huge people.

9)      The bright side of life. Everything through a child’s eyes is novel, beautiful, special, FUNNY. 

Birds, dogs, flowers, grass, sand, slides, a floor, that they can roll on, a toilet, that they can stick their head in.

 If big people were like this-we’d have no depression in the world. 

And no divorce :-D. 

Or we’d all just be 24/7 stoners O.o.

10)   Their hearts. Fat, thin, black, white, rich, poor, they all play together.

Sadly this starts changing in upper-primary and highschool, and completely goes downhill in adulthood. And only when you’re 80 and all wearing adult diapers and using walkers is when you go back to loving equally. Sucks. But that's the darned truth.

But, also because there’s always this guy..

Jeez. I’m gonna probably have to make a part 2 of this list *wipes tears* *eats oatmeal* because it's mushed :-D

The One With The Promo Post Before The Real Post

Heerluuuurr. 

So this is not the real post for this week. This is the promo post, to get your appetite whetted (I hate that word and I think it sounds kinda gross). Also, because I’ve not quite finished the last one and this is much easier and less brain-consuming to do than the other one, which has a whole bunch of illustrations and things. But let’s stick to treating it like a promo post-an ad campaign for the real post. Which will be out this week (I have promised people and my online promises are my bond).

So here goes...

The One Where I’m Still Giving Slugs Attention

The rainy season is here. And I absolutely love rain. “Why”, people ask. Or “You’ve never javed in the rain”(jav=public transport for y'all who don't know), they retort with snot up their nose (retort sounds like snort).

 First, OFCOURSE I’ve javed in the rain. I wasn’t born driving and I had to get around. Even now with Belinda and her mood swings I’m javving every so often (On that note I’m selling. Let’s talk. By Mid/End year. Call/Text/Whatsapp/Tweet/DM/Smoke signal/FB inbox/Letter in a bottle across the atlantic me. Thanks).

There was this time I was javing and it was raining heavy. And I got off (alit? alighted? Shukad? Alotted?)at my stop and saw a bunch of pedestrians sheltering at the petrol station. So I decided to hang in there with them, wondering why because I really don't mind rain. I heard comments like, “Gai si hii mvua ingoje nifike home”(Lawd can’t this rain wait for me to get home?) and “Napenda rain by the way but napenda kama nimelala”(I like rain by the way but I like it when I’m asleep). So I was highly irritated. And met up with another highly irritated person and so we proceeded to walk a romantic walk in the rain and leave the angry bitter people at the petrol station.

Not only because I think rain is a great solution to many of our issues like drought and famine but also because it is cold and non-suffocating and you don’t sweat and feel like you’re on your way to hades. Plus rain fashion suits all unlike sun fashion which only suits the slim and shaved armpitted folk. Rain is awesome.

But with rain comes slugs.

So the other day I had my dream/nightmare/the worst thing you can think about that I told y’all about. Then I went outside and lo and behold, slugs. Perils of living in the ‘burbs ('burbs meaning NOT'burbs but a place that’s not in the city and has more grass and mud than pavement). 

Anywho, so on my way to work I thought about slugs and pondered-where do they come from? Why are they here? What are they made of? In my opinion, slugs are not made/born/birthed and I don’t care/want to know whether they were hatched or there was a pregnant mama slug once (actually I once saw a documentary on slugs MATING and I questioned other peoples roles in life because some person actually went out to a patch of grass to see how slugs do the nasty and, like, get babies, and documented it. For a living. PLEASE  NEVER dread your job ever again). And basically the documentary looked like this.

Then I continued thinking about slugs because my friend told me she touched something gross and slimy on something of hers and I knew it was a slug. And it was. And the nightmare just came closer.

And closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Basically, slugs are bad and evil and we need to sign a petition to get rid of them. Because they are bad and evil. So I found a petition and need you all to sign. 

Here’s the petition. 

SIGN!!!!!!!

12th February 2014 Petition Stuff Addressed to: The One Who Deals With Petition Stuff RE: Petitions. Dear Important Person, This is a petition from all who matter on the internet concerned with the rise in slug infestation in Nairobi. Let us get rid of them. Suggestions:            Salt factories that will cause rain to rain salt instead of rain water            Robocop type exterminators          Every human permitted to walk around with salt grenades     Salt boots     Turn garbage into salt          Any other slug exterminating idea Thanks. SIGNED: The People Of The Internets and chikoleko.blogspot.com P.S. I hear slugs are harmful to politician health and also NGO’s are so awesome and have been looking to fund such a project as ‘Exterminate Slugs For The Children’.