The One Where Some Humans Bore Me

Thing I don’t quite appreciate about some humans much. And call me out if ever I engage in such mindless banter.

1.      “Wow, you’re doing well and you’ve really lost weight”. 

2.     “I really want a new piercing and tattoo, and maybe cut my hair and dye it purple”

“No!!!! Don’t!”

3.     “What religion are you?”

4.     “So does this mean you don’t believe in God?”

5.     “So this means you don’t fellowship on Sunday?”

6.     “I don’t drive a car because I’d rather do other better things with my money instead of pay for fuel and servicing”

7.     “I don’t rent a house like yours because I’d rather wait and do something better with my money”

8.     “You’re eating all that!!!!?!”

*contemplates throwing your food at them* *the food’s too good, you eat it instead*

9.     “You drink too much”

 I’m really not as think as you drunk I am.

10.     “But why would you want to do that to yourself” 

Because I’ve always wanted to start a blog, write a book maybe and go on talk shows and the idea of Rich Dad, Poor Dad was already taken. So let’s go with depression instead, I told myself.

Note: These are often conversations between aquintances. Not your bestest buddies. Or family. And even your bestest buddies and family ask mindless things sometimes, as do you. It’s human nature. It just really really bores me.

Personal note: In trying to make this post more general and less chastising/condescending, I will confess, as I am human as well (unfortunately that x-man story was a lie. I am not, in fact, an x-man), to having been some of the people above. Out of insecurities and judginess, not genuine sharing or concern.

And I am in no way saying it is wrong to discuss weight, if there is need for concern-health, lifestyle and life changing illness, struggling to breath when sitting up, feeling faint and weak but 'it’s ok because you don’t have a muffin top', dying, and death  are real (my usual M.O of going 0-100).

Certain jobs and careers don’t appreciate body art, and that’s just a fact.

We can always talk about religion, we just know by now how to talk about religion. Mine is not better than yours; yours is no better than mine.

Who cares if you don’t drive or still live at home or still hustle instead of look for “a real job” or still eat at cheaper joints even if you could afford more affordable meals. Whatever you do towards your personal success is dope and I’d love to learn from you. And if there’s anything I’ve learnt feel free to learn from me.

Yes I am eating all that. And if I can’t finish, i’mma doggy bag this and eat the rest of it at home. Also please, let’s not stare at plates. It’s really rude.

Drinking can be a problem. We all know it-I know it. Tread carefully here; words you say in such situations may lead a potential problem drinker to spiral more or to their rehabilitation and healing. Or, people will just find you annoying and never wanna hang out with you because you're always willing to recount everything they did the night before. “BOY that’s why memory loss exists-we don’t wanna remember!” KIDDING!

Why would you harm yourself, why would you just stay in bed all day, why would you always cry, why would you try to kill yourself, why would you WANT to do that to yourself? I fail to understand why you’d WANT to do these things to yourself too and so this has led me to the belief that you actually don’t WANT to. Then maybe we can pick that conversation up from there.

The One Where I Meet Louise, And I’m Thelma. Or, Soulmates. Pick One.

Now that the ‘maybe I can give this tell the world about your life by writing it down a shot’ bug has bit me-again-the shockingly sad revelation is that my life was only ever remotely interesting because of children.  How sad is that? Am I not interesting unless validated by diaper changing stories and silly conversations had? Is that a hint at my entire constitution? Am I trash?

“Oh she only just made a continental move to study her masters, meet new people, experience new experiences so I bet she has brilliant stories in store, humourous ones, stories about living life and finding peace, and..wait..nope, she’ll only be ok to listen to when telling us the toddler who pooped on her story-AGAIN”. Yeah. Depressing. Just kidding, just kidding. That’s not a funny thing to say. I apologise for offending myself.

*PAUSE*

Just after writing that, the document corrected my spelling of ‘apologise’ to ‘apologies’, ‘apologize’ and ‘apologist’. So I looked down at the bar thingie whose real name I learnt in IAT (shoutout IAT in Westy) and it showed me that I’m using English (United States). So I naturally changed it to English (United Kingdom) because they're the guys I learnt english from. And, I don't know, correct me if I'm drunk, but, ideally, and I totally failed history but, really, they’re the only actual, original English speakers.

Well. I’m done with that history lesson.

THEN I see other options for English. So I’m like jeez why’ve you never used English (Kenya) then? Because-muthafrigging drum roll-It’s not there. And I see you, fool, telling me to just use English (Zimbabwe) because we’re from the same continent-I DO NOT KNOW ANYONE FROM ZIM..-oh wait, I do. Undigressing.

So there’s English (Australia), English (Belize) (just googled it. It’s somewhere on Earth, think East of somewhere else. Definitely on my bucketlist of places to go to), English (Canada), English (Caribbean), English (Hong Kong S.A.R) (Special Administrative Region BOOM Thankyou you totally didn’t know that) (I’m discovering, very ashamed, how little I know about my world), English (India), English (Indonesia), English (Jamaica) (ya man!), English (Malaysia), English (New Zealand), English (Republic of the Philippines), English (Singapore), English (South Africa) (I still see you, telling me you have cousins in S.A. just because I told ya I come from Nairobi. BYE Becky! Or Rebecca, here. More regal), English (Trinidad and Tobago), English (UK), English (US) and finally, English (Zimbabwe)-yup, Zim we made it!

EDIT: So I thought using all these other Englishes will make me magically write in their language. Or even their accent. Write 'beer-can' instead of 'bacon' for English (Jamaica), write 'a-boot' instead of 'about' when I'm talking aboot something Canadian.

English (Kenya) would change errthang from “I’m going to town” to “Me I am going to town”..so, c’mon guys..c’mon..amiright..ami...c’mon..amiright?

EDIT: I’ve wasted a good 21 minutes trying that. I still write in English whatever. However, my lecturer showed us that English (German) converts 'is he' to 'ich' so that's a cool fact to share at the next game night.

Honestly, shed some light on this for me, though. No really, it’s gotten dark and the bulb is burst and no-one’s going to pop down to the store to buy ONE BULB. Like, one must wait for the entire house to have zero functioning bulbs and be engulfed in entire darkness THEN maybe go to the store on your way home from class the day after Tuesday. Jeez. Savages! Wouldn’t it be a bit more politically correct to write English (learnt because we were colonized by them Uganda, 'else we'd be using Word in our language)? Or nah? Again, not going into THAT history lesson.

EDIT: So I’ve spent a few hours googling why Microsoft Office Word has different options for English and I’ve discovered Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are absolutely perfect to look at, Bradley Cooper is pretty good at impersonations, Kendrick Lamar sorta always has a different face in different photos. Like how does he look? Do you get that? But most important, I learnt the difference between a Burrito and a Taco.

Pretty successful googling session.

*UNPAUSE*

So, yeah, I’ve definitely met my Bestie. Like, making friends isn’t my forte but this happened just like in the movies. Perfectly.

So I’m at the Fish & Chippie shop.

Bestie: Hiya, you alright darling?

With stars in my eyes I acknowledge, she cares.

Me: Yeah, you?

Bestie: What are you having, then?

Note: Bestie does NOT ignore me. She simply knows I hate silly chit chat, especially when I'm hungry.

Me: Large fish and chips. Oh, and a sausage. Large sausage. 2..no 3 large sausages. Yyyeaaahhh…

Bestie: That’ll be it then?

She knows I’d like to order more but daren’t have me embarrassed.

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

Bestie: What side, then?

Me: Peas.

Bestie: Good choice!

Me: Well, do you think it was a good choice for me to start dating Pete...

Bestie: LARGE FISH AND CHIPS ORDER!!!!!

As I wait, I wonder if this is fate. I mean, Besties don’t usually just meet in the street. They’re either related, had their siblings force them to hang out, go to uni together, work together, are on a sinking ship that rhymes with crytanic together, or were in rehab together. No inbetween. But Barney met Ted in the bar toilets. Therefore, FATE has been documented!

Still, I wait it out.

Bestie: Just two minutes now, darling.

Me: Oh that’s okay. I could hang out with you all day....B....B...Bae.

Kidding!!!! I didn’t say that. Or did I?

Bestie: You from work, then?

And like trash, I said:

Me: Yeeeaaahh. Busy day at work.

Bestie: Yep home time.

Me: Yea, food time.

Bestie: It’s early though. Not going out are ya?

Me: Nah. I was in town and it..has..many..there are many..people are many walking around.

Why am I like this.

Bestie: Yeah, it’s too cold to go out anyway.

Me: I know. Am just buying food en gowin home lyk LOOOSSSEEER.

I legit said that. Exact same punctuation and spelling, even.

I’m not sure why.

She accepted me.

Bestie: Makes sense. It’s cheaper to stay home.

Me: Ya.

If you know me, you know I hate small talk. That crap about how it’s raining horrendously, and I’m like, can you not see we’re under the same bus stop sign together UNDER the same horrendous rain?

Bestie: Your order-large fish and chips, peas and 3 sausages?

Me: Yeah. Heheh. Dinner with some friends. That’s why..yeah..he. He. He. He. Crying.

Yeah, RIGHT. You know you’re my only friend.

Bestie: You smell nice.

WOAH, wasn’t ready for this next step but okay. LET’S HAVE A SLEEPOVER and exchange traumatic childhood stories.

Bestie: What’s that you’re wearing?

Me: Clothes.

Bestie: What scent are you wearing?

Me: Um. Beyonce..Heat.

LIES!!! It’s Beyonce Heat Rush. Now Bestie gonna buy the wrong perfume L.

Bestie: Yeah, smells real good. You’d think after a long day at work it’d be gone but it smells good.

Me: Whaaaat, I don’t believe that either.

What I believe is I got out of bed 25 minutes earlier, splashed heaps of perfume to lie to myself that I’m clean and walked outta my house, crossed the road, and into the chippie shop.

Bestie: Okay, darling. See you later.

Me: Oh, you’re the best friend anybody ever had. And it’s funny, but I feel as if I’d known you all the time, but I couldn’t have, could I?

Bestie: Sorry?

Me: Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart...

Bestie: What?

Me: Ok, cheers, thanks.

Bestie: Alright, love, see you next time.

Me: Lots of people want to ride with you on the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

Bestie: Next, please.

She hasn’t texted yet but that’s Bestie for you. Busy busy at work. Plus she didn’t ask for my number because she understands at this level intuition is better for a best friendship. Why ask for a number when you can guess it! I have her number anyway so I’ll give her a shout after work. Saved her as her nickname: Fish Palace-Pukka Pies Available. She’s dope!

                                                              SMILE!

What They Don’t Tell You

Before you leave your home country to study and live in another country, here’s what they don’t tell you.

Also, I’m only speaking for the UK.

And,really, mostly for Nottingham.

Maybe if I lived and studied in London or Ruiru or Jamaica, the story would be very different.

But here’s what they don’t tell you ( first and foremost they don't tell you that you don't have time/are too lazy to draw new pretty pictures so you recycle ALL your old ones!!!)

1.     What you thought was going to be your Eat, Pray, Love journey is mostly eating. Eat, Sleep, Cry basically. THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT SHIT!! That there's no zen and it's hard and you cry and you miss everything and you start to think that you had it pretty good before you changed countries. NO!

2.    Public transport still sucks no matter which part of the world you live.

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Yeah. No. I'm stupid because I thought driving isn't fun in a developed country because the bus is life.

Yes. I lie!!!! So the systems are efficient, and the fare price doesn’t shockingly hike when it starts raining. But still, you’re squished next to someone smelly, and they probably find you smelly, and there’s the drunk on the bus. Always the drunk. Sometimes it’s me. Mostly it’s not. But there’s always the drunk. It sucks!

3.    Ignorance and racism are a thing. And severally you have to explain that you don’t know their former classmate who was from Rwanda because you told them you're from Kenya. Also, many times you’re the ignorant racist person. And you tell your Malaysian classmate your friend went to China once and loved it. And they stare at you like you’re stupid.

Because you are. Then they roll their eyes and suggest that you go eat Korean food. And then ask them to translate the menu to you. And they stare at you and look like they’ll walk away. But they don’t. Because they’re hungry.

So you just eat.

4.    Why some Africans say some foreigners from other countries don’t shower daily is because it’s cold. A lot. And you think you don’t sweat. But really you do. Just in real slow motion. And one day you’ll wake up, extremely offended at the unwashed air around you. “These guys don’t shower”. No. It’s you.

5.    “Come back with a husband,” they asked. What you don’t realize is everybody is frigging dating, engaged or married already. Or just living with their partner, which is a combination of all the above.  Also, you’re way way older than everyone else, so it’s all just weird and pointless. So you meet 21 year olds dating 19 year olds and they say things like, “hopefully we’ll have 2 children when we’re your age” and you slowly die inside, but smile and say your life is exactly as it should be. But you don’t say that.

6.    Libraries here are pretty cool. And you’ll be tempted to use your rent money on travelling (partying) and just living in the library because it’s open 24/7 and there’s wifi and computers and laptops and toilets. Isn’t that better than most of our houses? Sure is!

7.    You’re not exotic. Get over that!

8.    You can be poor and broke on another currency.

9.    Sadness and depression do not miraculously remain behind once you board the flight to cross the oceans. Or deserts. Or oceans and deserts. Nope. Stupid, clingy guys had their VISA’s way before you got yours and pitched tent in your soon to be room. And so they speak another language (it’s as if I didn’t always speak English), but they still persistent as hell. And it sucks. But you’re living with it.

10. Being a student is confusing. Because you’re not a tourist/traveler BUT also, you’re not an independent working girl living in a high rise apartment in the city with a cool job and car. You need papers for all that! And right now, you’re just in limbo. And although you thought this decision was a big stepping stone into discovering your purpose and seeing the world, you’re kinda still not sure what you’re doing. Ever. At all.

11.  And that’s okay!

12. It’s not Harry Potter.

Or these guys!

Or any of this shit!

It’s never gonna beThis shocked and saddened you the most. It is not Harry Potter. It’s just normal life with a British Accent.