The One With The Creepy and Innacurate Kiddie Songs

Kindergarten songs are the best! They all have simple rhythms and often mention the colour blue (see what I did there). They are fun and the kids love them, and you find yourself loving them too. And humming them while in a serious strategy meeting.

 

 But also, they can get really weird. Like Quentin Tarantino meets Children Of The Corn hugs M. Night Shyamalan and goes to visit Barney and The Teletubbies weird.

For example. See below.

:::Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Why did I eat those worms?
Big fat juicy ones,
Teeny weenie squeenie ones
See how they wiggle and squirm.

Chomp off their heads and squeeze out the juice and throw their tails away.
Nobody knows how I survive on worms three times a day:::

It doesn’t end there friends.

:::Eugghh goes the first one

Eugghh goes the second one

Why did I eat those worms?:::

P.S. the person is throwing up those worms.

Honestly what good and meaningful lesson can we learn from this song?

I get we’re going all organic but yo!!! Worms? Never ever!

Then there’s this one about elephants (by the way many many songs are about elephants. And crocodiles. But mainly elephants).

:::1 elephant went out to play

Upon a spiders web one day

He had such enormous fun

That he called for another elephant to come:::

 Errm. Not only is an elephant jumping on a spiders web. Or swinging. Or whatever ‘upon’ means. But also, the elephant has so much fun that he trumpets his trunk and messages:

El. 1: Hey

El. 2 ‘Sup

El. 1:whatchu upto?

El. 2: nuthin’. Jus’ chilling.

Was thinking of heading

out to the mud hole..

El. 1: if you up to it

I have a better plan..

It may be a bit illegal though..

El. 2: I’m listening…

El. 1: there’s this spider

web down by the creek...

A spider’s web? Really? Generally, elephants need to play at a place that can hold about a million tons of weight. So a spider’s web? And why don’t we mention the spider’s trauma and subsequent depression, maybe even suicidal tendencies, at coming home to find his home utterly trampled on and destroyed?

Another one about elephants.

:::Ohhh once I met an elephant on a sunny day

What did I do? What did I say?

I said good morning elephant, how do you do?

I’m pleased to meet you elephant I’d like to dance with you:::

Ermm. There are so many concerns with this song.

Ermm 1: Where do you live? Are you just casually on the way to work and you happen to see a stranded elephant with no bus fare and you’re like, “hey, how do you do? Need help?”

Ermm 2: What? Elephants are like one of the most dangerous creatures ever. Give me a lion any day (really just a big cat). But what’s an elephant-a big grass eating monster? It doesn’t even eat meat so it’s just angry and irrational and stomps on us then goes on to have its vegetarian dish. I can’t.

Ermm 3: If I did meet an elephant upon a sunny day, which is a possibility, say if I’m on safari, I’d get out my camera and take pictures. Then drive off. Not get out of the van and DANCE WITH IT. Dancing, in and of itself, is an awkward task.

But with an elephant? Many couples don’t dance together despite their undying love for one another. So why I’d put myself out there and take a risk (of rejection or being trampled to death) and tell an elephant, “I’d like to dance with you..”.

What if it’s in a committed relationship? What if its significant other hears and gets jealous? I think a jealous elephant is worse than an angry one.

What if it, like, wants to be more than friends O.o? It’s all too risky.

Perhaps if we create our own realistic kiddie songs. Like here’s an idea.

:::Elephants are scary run run run.

Don’t dance with them it’s not fun fun fun.

Go to school and pass your test.

And if you get shot hope you have a bulletproof vest.

Some days you’ll be happy, some days you’ll be sad.

Some days you’ll meet someone really really bad.

He’ll steal your purse and run away.

Please don’t let that ruin your day.

Also don’t go to the cops because they’ll be mean and probably jail you for being robbed and abuse you and ask you for money even though you’ve just been robbed:::

Kids’ll love it!

Don’t ask elephants to dance. Please.