The One Where I Meet Louise, And I’m Thelma. Or, Soulmates. Pick One.

Now that the ‘maybe I can give this tell the world about your life by writing it down a shot’ bug has bit me-again-the shockingly sad revelation is that my life was only ever remotely interesting because of children.  How sad is that? Am I not interesting unless validated by diaper changing stories and silly conversations had? Is that a hint at my entire constitution? Am I trash?

“Oh she only just made a continental move to study her masters, meet new people, experience new experiences so I bet she has brilliant stories in store, humourous ones, stories about living life and finding peace, and..wait..nope, she’ll only be ok to listen to when telling us the toddler who pooped on her story-AGAIN”. Yeah. Depressing. Just kidding, just kidding. That’s not a funny thing to say. I apologise for offending myself.

*PAUSE*

Just after writing that, the document corrected my spelling of ‘apologise’ to ‘apologies’, ‘apologize’ and ‘apologist’. So I looked down at the bar thingie whose real name I learnt in IAT (shoutout IAT in Westy) and it showed me that I’m using English (United States). So I naturally changed it to English (United Kingdom) because they're the guys I learnt english from. And, I don't know, correct me if I'm drunk, but, ideally, and I totally failed history but, really, they’re the only actual, original English speakers.

Well. I’m done with that history lesson.

THEN I see other options for English. So I’m like jeez why’ve you never used English (Kenya) then? Because-muthafrigging drum roll-It’s not there. And I see you, fool, telling me to just use English (Zimbabwe) because we’re from the same continent-I DO NOT KNOW ANYONE FROM ZIM..-oh wait, I do. Undigressing.

So there’s English (Australia), English (Belize) (just googled it. It’s somewhere on Earth, think East of somewhere else. Definitely on my bucketlist of places to go to), English (Canada), English (Caribbean), English (Hong Kong S.A.R) (Special Administrative Region BOOM Thankyou you totally didn’t know that) (I’m discovering, very ashamed, how little I know about my world), English (India), English (Indonesia), English (Jamaica) (ya man!), English (Malaysia), English (New Zealand), English (Republic of the Philippines), English (Singapore), English (South Africa) (I still see you, telling me you have cousins in S.A. just because I told ya I come from Nairobi. BYE Becky! Or Rebecca, here. More regal), English (Trinidad and Tobago), English (UK), English (US) and finally, English (Zimbabwe)-yup, Zim we made it!

EDIT: So I thought using all these other Englishes will make me magically write in their language. Or even their accent. Write 'beer-can' instead of 'bacon' for English (Jamaica), write 'a-boot' instead of 'about' when I'm talking aboot something Canadian.

English (Kenya) would change errthang from “I’m going to town” to “Me I am going to town”..so, c’mon guys..c’mon..amiright..ami...c’mon..amiright?

EDIT: I’ve wasted a good 21 minutes trying that. I still write in English whatever. However, my lecturer showed us that English (German) converts 'is he' to 'ich' so that's a cool fact to share at the next game night.

Honestly, shed some light on this for me, though. No really, it’s gotten dark and the bulb is burst and no-one’s going to pop down to the store to buy ONE BULB. Like, one must wait for the entire house to have zero functioning bulbs and be engulfed in entire darkness THEN maybe go to the store on your way home from class the day after Tuesday. Jeez. Savages! Wouldn’t it be a bit more politically correct to write English (learnt because we were colonized by them Uganda, 'else we'd be using Word in our language)? Or nah? Again, not going into THAT history lesson.

EDIT: So I’ve spent a few hours googling why Microsoft Office Word has different options for English and I’ve discovered Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are absolutely perfect to look at, Bradley Cooper is pretty good at impersonations, Kendrick Lamar sorta always has a different face in different photos. Like how does he look? Do you get that? But most important, I learnt the difference between a Burrito and a Taco.

Pretty successful googling session.

*UNPAUSE*

So, yeah, I’ve definitely met my Bestie. Like, making friends isn’t my forte but this happened just like in the movies. Perfectly.

So I’m at the Fish & Chippie shop.

Bestie: Hiya, you alright darling?

With stars in my eyes I acknowledge, she cares.

Me: Yeah, you?

Bestie: What are you having, then?

Note: Bestie does NOT ignore me. She simply knows I hate silly chit chat, especially when I'm hungry.

Me: Large fish and chips. Oh, and a sausage. Large sausage. 2..no 3 large sausages. Yyyeaaahhh…

Bestie: That’ll be it then?

She knows I’d like to order more but daren’t have me embarrassed.

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

Bestie: What side, then?

Me: Peas.

Bestie: Good choice!

Me: Well, do you think it was a good choice for me to start dating Pete...

Bestie: LARGE FISH AND CHIPS ORDER!!!!!

As I wait, I wonder if this is fate. I mean, Besties don’t usually just meet in the street. They’re either related, had their siblings force them to hang out, go to uni together, work together, are on a sinking ship that rhymes with crytanic together, or were in rehab together. No inbetween. But Barney met Ted in the bar toilets. Therefore, FATE has been documented!

Still, I wait it out.

Bestie: Just two minutes now, darling.

Me: Oh that’s okay. I could hang out with you all day....B....B...Bae.

Kidding!!!! I didn’t say that. Or did I?

Bestie: You from work, then?

And like trash, I said:

Me: Yeeeaaahh. Busy day at work.

Bestie: Yep home time.

Me: Yea, food time.

Bestie: It’s early though. Not going out are ya?

Me: Nah. I was in town and it..has..many..there are many..people are many walking around.

Why am I like this.

Bestie: Yeah, it’s too cold to go out anyway.

Me: I know. Am just buying food en gowin home lyk LOOOSSSEEER.

I legit said that. Exact same punctuation and spelling, even.

I’m not sure why.

She accepted me.

Bestie: Makes sense. It’s cheaper to stay home.

Me: Ya.

If you know me, you know I hate small talk. That crap about how it’s raining horrendously, and I’m like, can you not see we’re under the same bus stop sign together UNDER the same horrendous rain?

Bestie: Your order-large fish and chips, peas and 3 sausages?

Me: Yeah. Heheh. Dinner with some friends. That’s why..yeah..he. He. He. He. Crying.

Yeah, RIGHT. You know you’re my only friend.

Bestie: You smell nice.

WOAH, wasn’t ready for this next step but okay. LET’S HAVE A SLEEPOVER and exchange traumatic childhood stories.

Bestie: What’s that you’re wearing?

Me: Clothes.

Bestie: What scent are you wearing?

Me: Um. Beyonce..Heat.

LIES!!! It’s Beyonce Heat Rush. Now Bestie gonna buy the wrong perfume L.

Bestie: Yeah, smells real good. You’d think after a long day at work it’d be gone but it smells good.

Me: Whaaaat, I don’t believe that either.

What I believe is I got out of bed 25 minutes earlier, splashed heaps of perfume to lie to myself that I’m clean and walked outta my house, crossed the road, and into the chippie shop.

Bestie: Okay, darling. See you later.

Me: Oh, you’re the best friend anybody ever had. And it’s funny, but I feel as if I’d known you all the time, but I couldn’t have, could I?

Bestie: Sorry?

Me: Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart...

Bestie: What?

Me: Ok, cheers, thanks.

Bestie: Alright, love, see you next time.

Me: Lots of people want to ride with you on the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

Bestie: Next, please.

She hasn’t texted yet but that’s Bestie for you. Busy busy at work. Plus she didn’t ask for my number because she understands at this level intuition is better for a best friendship. Why ask for a number when you can guess it! I have her number anyway so I’ll give her a shout after work. Saved her as her nickname: Fish Palace-Pukka Pies Available. She’s dope!

                                                              SMILE!