So there’s this kid; she’s about five years old
now and joined the school I teach in at three years old. In that year I was her
teacher I learned a lot from her. Main thing I learnt is that she is a perfect robot
girl brought to earth to monitor human behaviour for eventual alien
colonization of planet earth.
I know I know every child is perfect in their
parents eyes,
but this was not one of those who was highly
praised when she joined school.
No no, not at all.
She was brought to class and diligently, bravely
hugged her mummy goodbye. No tears, not tantrums, no screaming and kicking. And
to date, I’ve never seen tears, tantrums, screaming or kicking. She then came
to me and introduced herself, “Hi I’m Robot
and I’m 3 years old” (I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what she said) then
proceeded to sit on the carpet and stare at me.
Very creepy!
She was perfect in every aspect. She answered all
questions and already knew how to raise her hands. At her age they don’t raise
hands; they roll around chewing cushions. But she’d raise her hands and answer
every question correct. She never got an answer wrong.
Also she was perfectly potty trained and has never
made a mess since she joined school. She eats well; I mean we might as well
give her a fork and knife. She never went home dirty, never got lost or
disappeared, never shouted, never fought, never cried, never ran out of line,
never hit, always shared, was always kind, her teeth were always brushed and
most uncanny, her hair was never out of place. I think even her eyebrows were naturally
shaped.
However, what she never ever did was swim.
During our first swim class all the tots wanted
in, except her. She didn’t have a cossie and calmly told me so.
I thought she was telling me that because ACTUALLY she wanted to swim so I undressed her down to her tighty-whities and began to put her in
the water. She then did this half cry, half whimper thing. Actually first and
only time I’ve seen a semblance of anything close to crying from her.
I ask her what was wrong and she calmly told me, “I
don’t ever swim”.
WHO SAYS THAT? Who, who’s been alive for all of three years and began walking about a week ago (a week ago) and
doesn’t know that they don’t swim because they’ve NEVER EVER TRIED IT says, “I don’t
ever swim”? Only just a spy robot disguised as a child that’s trying to take
over the Earth, that's who.
Kids usually tell me they are scared of the water
or it’s cold but they never say ‘I don’t ever swim’. That’s the complete
antithesis of what makes a child a child.
So now Robot girl is older and, scarily so, much
wiser. She knows all her sounds, can read to quite an advanced stage, has neat
handwriting and is doing well in her new classes. She’s also about to complete
her latest bestseller,Why Kids Are Right
And Adults Are Dumb-Edition III.
So one day I observe her playing in the sandpit.
Whilst chaos reigns around her, she is peacefully building a magical castle. I
swear I can see it come to life before me.
I’ve seen
pretty abstract things in the sand pit before, and been fed even weirder things,
but hers is a work of art.
A few of the boys are running around and being
rough and they kick up a part of her castle during their play. I watch her eye
them with shining eyes and I think, “This is it. She’s about to break and
become human. She’s about to cry”.
Instead she calmly picks up the debris of her old castle and
continues building.
I’m now determined to see her robot insides and
become rich off of her. I call her.
“Robot. Please come.”
She skips to me so gallantly and stands beside me,
“Yes miss?”
I wonder whether to take the primitive route and
pour water on her, watch her fizz and remove sparks, or whether to ask
complicated questions like ‘solve P(xyz)+(WTF)’.
Instead I ask her,
“Robot, why are you so perfect?
Why don’t you fight or push kids or disturb your mama? Why are you so calm and
always smiling. And why the heck is your hair always in place?”(honestly she’s got
African kinky hair! AND it’s always always in place).
She cocks her head to one side, calmly addressing
me as if calculating something (she probably was using her X-Ray vision),
then says, “It’s Jesus”.
O.o
The aliens have landed! Go to church folk!
I need one like her in my class!
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