The One With The Promo Post Before The Real Post

Heerluuuurr. 

So this is not the real post for this week. This is the promo post, to get your appetite whetted (I hate that word and I think it sounds kinda gross). Also, because I’ve not quite finished the last one and this is much easier and less brain-consuming to do than the other one, which has a whole bunch of illustrations and things. But let’s stick to treating it like a promo post-an ad campaign for the real post. Which will be out this week (I have promised people and my online promises are my bond).

So here goes...

The One Where I’m Still Giving Slugs Attention

The rainy season is here. And I absolutely love rain. “Why”, people ask. Or “You’ve never javed in the rain”(jav=public transport for y'all who don't know), they retort with snot up their nose (retort sounds like snort).

 First, OFCOURSE I’ve javed in the rain. I wasn’t born driving and I had to get around. Even now with Belinda and her mood swings I’m javving every so often (On that note I’m selling. Let’s talk. By Mid/End year. Call/Text/Whatsapp/Tweet/DM/Smoke signal/FB inbox/Letter in a bottle across the atlantic me. Thanks).

There was this time I was javing and it was raining heavy. And I got off (alit? alighted? Shukad? Alotted?)at my stop and saw a bunch of pedestrians sheltering at the petrol station. So I decided to hang in there with them, wondering why because I really don't mind rain. I heard comments like, “Gai si hii mvua ingoje nifike home”(Lawd can’t this rain wait for me to get home?) and “Napenda rain by the way but napenda kama nimelala”(I like rain by the way but I like it when I’m asleep). So I was highly irritated. And met up with another highly irritated person and so we proceeded to walk a romantic walk in the rain and leave the angry bitter people at the petrol station.

Not only because I think rain is a great solution to many of our issues like drought and famine but also because it is cold and non-suffocating and you don’t sweat and feel like you’re on your way to hades. Plus rain fashion suits all unlike sun fashion which only suits the slim and shaved armpitted folk. Rain is awesome.

But with rain comes slugs.

So the other day I had my dream/nightmare/the worst thing you can think about that I told y’all about. Then I went outside and lo and behold, slugs. Perils of living in the ‘burbs ('burbs meaning NOT'burbs but a place that’s not in the city and has more grass and mud than pavement). 

Anywho, so on my way to work I thought about slugs and pondered-where do they come from? Why are they here? What are they made of? In my opinion, slugs are not made/born/birthed and I don’t care/want to know whether they were hatched or there was a pregnant mama slug once (actually I once saw a documentary on slugs MATING and I questioned other peoples roles in life because some person actually went out to a patch of grass to see how slugs do the nasty and, like, get babies, and documented it. For a living. PLEASE  NEVER dread your job ever again). And basically the documentary looked like this.

Then I continued thinking about slugs because my friend told me she touched something gross and slimy on something of hers and I knew it was a slug. And it was. And the nightmare just came closer.

And closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Basically, slugs are bad and evil and we need to sign a petition to get rid of them. Because they are bad and evil. So I found a petition and need you all to sign. 

Here’s the petition. 

SIGN!!!!!!!

12th February 2014 Petition Stuff Addressed to: The One Who Deals With Petition Stuff RE: Petitions. Dear Important Person, This is a petition from all who matter on the internet concerned with the rise in slug infestation in Nairobi. Let us get rid of them. Suggestions:            Salt factories that will cause rain to rain salt instead of rain water            Robocop type exterminators          Every human permitted to walk around with salt grenades     Salt boots     Turn garbage into salt          Any other slug exterminating idea Thanks. SIGNED: The People Of The Internets and chikoleko.blogspot.com P.S. I hear slugs are harmful to politician health and also NGO’s are so awesome and have been looking to fund such a project as ‘Exterminate Slugs For The Children’.